Change in Direction

Besides my post of when my life changed, I have not addressed much about who I am. Part of me is scared to explain my situation because as of right now, it doesn’t make me seem to be an esteemed human being, however, I try to remind myself that what I am doing is supporting the life I want to live, even if it’s a bit scary.

I graduated high school in 2017. High school was fine, I spent each year trying to be more like the person I wanted to be and was more or less successful. School was easier for me because academically, I’m very well off. This is one of the reasons I get a lot of judgment about my recent life decisions.

I can be classified as a college drop-out.

I did one semester of college and figured out it was not where I needed to be. I figured this out about half way thorough the semester but I decided to stick it out since I had already paid for it. I realized I was only in school because I was scared of the alternative; to be frank, I’m still scared of the alternative even though it is where I am at the moment. I ended the semester on the Dean’s List with a 3.9 GPA.

My parents have supported me on this change of direction but I know there are several who frown upon my decision. (To them I say, if you would like to pay for my college, I will go.) Ultimately, I am proud of my decision. I get scared easily and transition is very difficult to me, but I was not being true to myself by being in college.

I have a tattoo on my arm that reads, “stick to your guns.” I’m very adamant about this phrase and I identify with it strongly. You should always stick to what you believe in, even if it’s not the easiest. I’m a strong believer in not wasting my life away. I hate the idea of suffering now to better support a more stable future because I always ask myself, “but what if I die tomorrow?” I want to know that I have lived my life to the fullest every day, not just for the days that may or may not come.

The way I was raised in school frustrates me greatly. I don’t know about you, but I can’t tell you what age I was when I met my first best friend in school. However, I can tell you what grade I was in. I was raised to see school as the center of my life, rather than pushing for a life I could be myself in, apart from school. I do think school is important, but I am frustrated that I can’t tell you the year or my age when I took a trip out West with my family, but I can tell you it was before my eighth grade year in school.

School also raised us to prepare for the next level. Once we learned the basics, it became “we’re teaching you this to prepare you for next year,” or high school, or college. If getting to college and then to a job is our ultimate goal, what does that say about the kids who die young? It’s a sad reality but in the school’s eyes, that child didn’t succeed the ultimate “goal.” That disgusts me.

I have goals and I think goals are important. It’s also my goals that taught me that I didn’t need to be in school. I don’t have to go to school to change lives or become a mother. I don’t have to graduate college to be content with the life I live. It might be different for others, but for me, I’m proud to be a college drop-out if it means that I am being true to myself and what I believe.

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